The movie in my mind

The movie in my mind I realized is alot different then the movie God has scripted for me.  We as people like to control and plan for things although I still think we should I’m starting to understand and accept that ultimately God has the last say in anything we do.  I’ve become so angry lately and bitter because the movie in my mind hasn’t been playing out correctly but that’s just it I’m not the director of this movie.  It’s not about when I want things to happen its about when God is going to let things happen. Sometimes the things that we want are not what’s best for us,  but we don’t want to hear that right? We want what we want at the end of the day so we keep fighting and fighting for something that God has no plan on giving us or maybe the timeline doesn’t match his timeline and that’s why we are walking around mad at the world because our movie isn’t playing out the way we expected it.  Infertility was never apart of my script, losing my dad to cancer was never apart of my script, but is trusting God apart of my script.  I have to admit up to now it wasn’t I wanted to control how things happen in my life I wanted to run that show but little by little the layers of control are peeling off and giving the ultimate control to him.  Keep trusting him and believing my plans are nothing compare to his.  I’m a work in progress but Ill get there.

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I announced my infertility

10 months is the timeframe I kept my IVF adventure to myself.  Both my husband and I decided to open up to our close family members about the ongoing fight to achieve pregnancy.  I kept it to myself for many different reasons,  but all in all I kept it to myself mostly because I wanted to announce a pregnancy,  but instead I announced my infertility.  I needed to do this for myself although it was extremely difficult to have people see my vulnerability I felt it was a time to do things differently because if I’m being honest with myself the way I was doing it before wasn’t working out for me.  It’s time to think different and move different if I want different results.  So by doing that the first step was admitting I have a problem and its called infertility

De clutter

De- Clutter

So I’ve been doing lots of thinking since my negative BETA.  I hold lot a anger and bitterness in my heart for several different reasons and I believe if you never work through those issues they begin to hinder you.  After my dad passed I developed severe anxiety and depression.  It was a dark time for me I felt so lost and so fearful of my new life. It’s been a constant battle for the past few years and it still is.  As I’m gearing up to enter another round of IVF I feel like my emotional and mental state needs to be decluttered. So much time, tears, pain and heartache has been invested in these cycles and by working on these issues I am hoping I can enter round 3 much lighter. I’ve mentioned in previous stories that I was not vocal about my infertility struggles,  so family did not know the overwhelming months that accompany us every month while going through IVF.  I felt ashamed and embarrassed for so long about my infertility which in return caused me to become more isolated. I decided to change that and share my story and declutter the things I feel can potentially make me uneasy, stress, and anxious.

Coming to Terms

Sometimes in life we must think or discuss certain things that we don’t like or make us uncomfortable.  Unfortunately, that’s life.  After years of trying naturally, three failed IUI,  and two failed IVF cycles my husband and I must discuss a situation that none of us never wanted to talk about which is living a life without children.  Some people call it “childfree or “childless” I am still trying to decide which term to use because all I know this isn’t a decision I wanted to make again that’s life.  Sometimes your just push against a wall whether you like it or not and decisions must be made.  Now let me say I still have one more IVF round I still have two frozen embryos left, and I will fight for them.  But I have to prepare myself mentally if this cycle fails I 1000% know it may not work I’m not trying to be negative,  but I haven’t had much luck with this. I’m definitely hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.  So what happens if round 3 is not “third times the charm” well I’m thinking about closing this chapter of my life and moving on and accept the fact that my life does not include being a mom. It hurts to think because I never pictured my life any other way so to alter what I’ve thought was going to happen is going to take some time to process.  I lived my entire 20’s dedicating my life every month trying to get pregnant.  I feel like I put my life on hold because I always would say ” what if I’m pregnant”. Theirs job advancements I choose to not pursue because I felt like it wasn’t the right time because I was trying for a family. I’m done living in that hold and I choose not to allow my 30’s to be the same.  I just want to live life that’s it.  Infertility has taken so much away from me as it is and because of it I’m mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted. So I can truly say this time around I’m letting go and mean it from the bottom my heart

What happens now

IVF 2 was unsuccessful can you believe it? I can’t and yet I can.  Their’s nothing guaranteed in life and of course IVF is no different.  Every women who goes into IVF believes in their heart that this is it.  I will get blessed this month I feel it in my heart some do but some don’t.  Unfortunately,  I’m some don’t……… every failed cycle gets harder one would think the constant knives in your heart gets easier to handle after it’s happen repeatedly.  NOPE!  So what happens now is the question? Well I have two more frozen embryos which mean I’ve decided I’m going to do one more round just one more.  Before starting IVF it took years for me to come to terms with it and now I’m three IVF cycles in.  This is the cycle that is going to dictate my future this is the cycle that has an abundance amount of pressure. This is the cycle that is either going to make me a mom or not.  Because this is my last cycle I’m already preparing my myself for a different fight.  I know I may or may not win I know if I don’t win I’m going to have to grieve the lost of my dream.  But I do know I tried EVERYTHING.  I fought hard for each one of my embryos I didn’t give up in the end of the day I just decided to move on with my life

Coming Home

Today is transfer eve meaning its the day before I get to take my embryo’s home!! I am super excited to be at this point again in my journey, but also super nervous to be at this point again.  After you go through a transfer that did not take you go into the next round a little more apprehensive because you felt that hurt before and boy does it sting!   I’ve been praying hard that this is it.  I want to believe that this is it but afraid to commit to it because I don’t want to get let down.  It’s not that I don’t trust God I’m just ultimately protecting my heart and soul because its been crushed far to many times.  I hope that my embryo’s choose to stay I promise to always love and protect them.  We’ve been fighting so long for them that I know I’ll be in disbelief when it does finally happen.  It’s finally time to come home.  We love you sweet babies of mine!

You Bitch

I am the type of person who likes to reflect on things and find the reason behind why things happen.  It always has to make sense to me……. but life doesn’t make sense all the time shit most of the time right. So as I reflect on my “journey” with infertility so many things began flowing through my brain. It begins to overwhelm me because let’s be honest infertility is a bitch. I think back to when the worry began.  It started when my husband and I weren’t trying but not preventing it.  We went on for years like that and to my surprise I never fell pregnant.  The wheels in my head began to turn and all of sudden a feeling came over me.  I knew at that moment that this wasn’t going to be an easy thing for us.  I knew at that moment that my dream to be a mom one day was going to be a hell of ride a ride I’m still on 10 years later

I am 1 in 8

Their’s a certain sadness that wraps around you when infertility is in the forefront.  It’s a sadness only those who struggles or struggled with can fully understand.  Infertility is mean it grabs a hold of your feelings and emotions and makes you prisoner to it. How can one word make you feel so many feelings all at once?  How can one word have so much power?  Yes I know I know, we shouldn’t let it control us and we should continue living our lives as normal as possible, and if it’s meant to be it will be.  But those words come from the unwounded those words come from people who can make babies the “old fashioned way” Now no offense to those who try to find the words to comfort you at the time. I do get it but at the time of severe pain it’s hard to get through,  and their’s no words that can make that pain any less.  You see infertility is like grief your grieving the lost of what could of been or what could be just like losing someone infertility is no different. Even if I’m successful with my second IVF cycle infertility will always be a part of my life it will always be apart of my story.  We all have different battles we all deal with in life for some reason God felt this should be mine.  I am 1 in 8.

Will this be it??

So many thoughts so many fears.  I am scared I am beyond scared  , I am trying to keep the faith. I am trying but when you have nothing but heartbreak to compare it too how do you believe or trust that it’s eventually going to be you next.  My second round of IVF I can’t believe already second round.  Sometimes I can’t believe my first round failed.  Oddly I always felt since I never was okay with IVF or had a difficult time accepting IVF as my path to get pregnant that when I bit the bullet,  and agreed to it god was going to bless me right away how naive was I.  Nonetheless,  I am praying despite what I’ve been through despite my past failed experiences I am hoping that this is the round for us.  We are transferring two embryos this time and I pray for those little babies to hold on tight and don’t let go of mommy.

If vs When

Have you ever been stabbed in the heart countless time by the same monster? Have you ever wonder when it will stop or if it’s ever going to stop.  The same way you wonder when and if you’ll ever get pregnant and finally bring your baby home.  Once upon a time I use to say ” WHEN I GET PREGNANT” I felt like the ball was in my court I had all the control and it was going to happen when I say so.  I couldn’t have been more wrong after three failed IUI’s and one failed IVF cycle and years and years of trying the ” old fashioned way” I now say ‘IF I GET PREGNANT”.  I decided to relinquish my control and let what’s going to be just be. Obviously the ball isn’t in my court and although it fucking hurts tremendously what other option do I have.  You see it’s the only way I can brace myself whenever the monster “INFERTILITY” comes looking for me ready for another scar.